It’s been a while, but I’m back here to break off a little chunk of history for you. Have you ever though you have such terrible luck? Well I’ve got a little perspective for you while we dive in to look at some of the unluckiest cunts in history.
First off, let me take you back to the near past of 1954 where we find a particularly unfortunate woman by the name of Ann Elizabeth Fowler Hodges. Now we all know the terror of a thud followed by a cold clammy trickle of seagull shit oozing down your neck, but Elizabeth suffered a different kind of aerial attack. Unbeknownst to Elizabeth millennia before even the idea of her existence, a chuck of space rock started it’s long patient trip with plans to absolutely ruin Elizabeth’s day. As far as long cons go this meteorite (known as the Sylacauga meteorite) is the fucking don. So what heinous thing was Elizabeth up to when the rock came a knocking? Just having a fucking nap on the sofa, the lazy bitch! Then, yeah you guessed it, BOOOM! Do you smell what the rock is cooking? Straight through her roof at mach 3, and demolished her fucking pelvis like a Latin lover who spent the day snorting amphetamines and popping Viagra. She did survive and joined a club of people you could count of one had that have been hit by a meteorite. I’ll take bird shit over a flying space rock to the dick any day.
Next up lets cruise all the way back to 564BC to check on a fellow called Arrhichion, famous for being an Olympic champion. He was all in all pretty lucky as he was at the 54th Olypic games defending his title in a event called the Pankratiasts. Which is basically a mix of boxing and wrestling, aka a fucking punch up. So he was there again absolutely smashing cunts left right and centre until there was only one bad mother fucker left standing in the way of his victory. I’m pretty certain from what I’ve read that they used to do this naked so you can picture it like someone miss-aimed at an orgy and it’s escalated to fists. So his competitor had his legs wrapped around Arrichion and was choking him with his hands, it wasn’t looking good for the champ. Fortunately Arrichion made like a disgruntled donkey and stomped the fuckers toes breaking them. Which, again fortunately, made his opponent give the sign of defeat. Unfortunately, at the same time broke Arrichion’s fucking neck killing him instantly. But there is a happy ending! Because the opponent gave the sign of defeat first, the judges declared Arrichion’s corpse the winner. I’m sure a gold medal would have really complimented his blue lips…
One more tale of misfortune I think should do us. Lets move a little forward in time to 260BC for the battle of Changping where we meet an unlucky bastard by the name of Zhao Kuo. He was an army commander in ancient China that kind of got the job because his dad was a bad ass General. However, when his dad was on his death bed… He was all like “Don’t let that fucking idiot command an army”, but King Xiaocheng was all like “Nah, get fucked cunt”. So he’s in charge now and looking to destroy the army that’s run by a fellow called Bai Qi. Now Bai Qi WAS a bad ass mother fucker and happened to send some spies over to Zhao to say that Bai was a fucking pussy and didn’t want to get in to a punch up with Zhao. So Zhao being a dumb fuck, he grabs 400,000 men (yeah seriously almost half a million) and goes after Bai. As he comes across Bai’s “army” there seems to be not very many of them around but Zhao is just ready to bust their skulls. They all run off and Zhao starts chasing them like kids in a playground “chase me, chase me” kind of thing. But so they can go faster he just says lets leave all the supplies here. Dumb move Zhao. Then Zhao gets ambushed by 550,000 soldiers! He is waaaay fucked at this point and tries to run, but obviously they have no supplies now and you didn’t just pop to McDonald’s for 400,000 happy meals back in those days. So they hide in a fortress and damn near starved to death. Then Bai rocks up for them to surrender and he takes the reasonable approach of burying 400,000 people alive. What a fucking psycho.
Leonardo Gavinci 