Today’s tale is of a very well known character but perhaps a less known man than expected. Edward Teach (A.k.a. Blackbeard)! Teach was thought to of been born in Bristol around c.1680, he started his career as a sailor on the ‘Queen Anne’s War, this is where he got those cheeky fucking sea legs from. But this was just another stop on the way to the top for Teach. When he got over to the Bahamas he teamed up with a dirty swashbuckler by the name of Benjamin Hornigold. Together they started robbing ships and generally getting their pirate on. Although Blackbeard has a legacy of violence and a rather ‘I don’t give a shit’ attitude, he was actually a master of marketing. He would much prefer to avoid violence if possible and just scare the shit out of a sailors poop-deck instead. He built the fierce image as a way of saying “Hey, you there. Give me that ship or I’m gonna show you what you fucking guts taste like”. He was known to set the platted ends of his hair and beard on fire, so people would know he’s fucking mental. When he got himself a decent ship he named it ‘Queen Anne’s Revenge’, most likely a play on the name of his first vessel. He sailed the seas taking treasure, but not what you may think. His ‘booty’ was generally shit like coca, cotton, sugar, etc. But it fetched a pretty penny back in those days. So I wouldn’t fucking moan. He at one point headed to England and got a pardon, which is pretty fucking ridiculous, tried to settle down. But obviously Blackbeard didn’t just get a job in a fucking newsagent, so he got back into the pirate game. I know you’re waiting to hear about some crazy shit, so I’ll jump to his final battle. So people are pretty fed up of his shit, and a chap called Lieutenant Maynard tracked him down, Teach was throwing a party just kicking back and having a good time. Once spotted Maynard waited until morning (when I imagine Blackbeard was suffering a rotten hangover) to make his approach. As the ships saw each other, it all kicked the fuck off! I’m talking cannons, small arms swords (once they got close enough), the whole shebang. A load of Maynard’s men pulled the old Trojan boat trick and hide below deck. This threw Teach and his geezers by surprise and they got a fucking whooping. The accounts of exactly what went down in the battle are sketchy but you know it was a shit storm. Blackbeard got fucked up pretty bad though. They checked out his body and he had been shot five times and cut to buggery. Being all hyped up, they cut Blackbeard’s head off and hung it from Maynard’s bowsprit (the bit on the front of the ship) and sailed off to collect their reward. Blackbeard may not have had as much of a violent life as you’d imagine but he certainly went out in true pirate style.
Leonardo Gavinci 